It’s all about regrets this week, or the lack thereof…
The holiday season brings up a lot of memories and emotions. So much to process while plastering a smile on my face.
This is not the house I grew up in. But in the 8 years, my parents have lived here, I have done 2 stints of living with them. The first time, they had just moved in, and I had come in my car from California with my sights set on Asia and a new future for myself. The 2nd time, when I returned from Asia a year and a half later, with not a clue as to how to proceed with my life.
I don’t spend much time living in regret, but there are particular moments I wish I had made a different decision. Then again I wouldn’t be here. And in the end, I am not too sure I regret any of my decisions, because it’s certainly, if anything, been a VERY interesting ride.
But I do wonder.
I once worked for a rather big company. 9 to 5, the whole shebang. I had benefits and a very low starting salary, but there was room for growth and it was a place that most started out in and found themselves 10, 20 years later. And for 2 years I worked there, thinking sure, I can do this another 20 years.
But it’s always the little moments that completely change our course, not the big ones. Sitting at my computer one day, my personal life a dumpster fire, and feeling frustrated and trapped, a colleague in passing said “don’t you feel like you’re more than this?”
The answer was yes, yes, I did! A few weeks later I would make the decision to move across the country in an attempt to start anew.
When California didn’t work out I would take a month-long road trip where I would meet two travel bloggers who in passing would mention going to Asia. And well, to Asia I went.
Then I would retreat.
Back with my parents.
My story is windy, and at times it was often 5 steps forward 10 steps back. I had a great job and gave it up to work minimum wage. To temp and fold paper. I had tried to make my parents’ computer room into an art studio. Started an online store, and then realized I needed to leave again and there was no time to build an online business.
But really I think all of these moments were simply building to where I am now. Perhaps had I stayed at that very first corporate job, I would have come to live a life of regret, for all the things I had NOT done. If that colleague had never made that passing comment that lit a flame within me.
A sliding doors, if you will.
Being home now, especially, after having been secluded for almost the entirety of the pandemic, has me reminiscing on all these small moments that have changed my course, that have changed me immensely.
I am doing the hard work as of late to not let my age define me. To not let my age make me feel bad for where I am in life right now. Because as we know, society often dictates a lot of who we should be.
And then there are days when I stare at the grey in my hair and wonder if I’ll ever be financially stable again, if I’ll have a family or a home that is truly my own, and I start to feel the walls closing in. I begin to regret every decision, lambasting myself for being so foolish, and careless with this one precious life that I have.
And of course, then there are days where I believe my great love story is still to come and that I could never have been the artist I am blossoming into now, back then. I wasn’t ready. I needed to take these detours. I needed to live this unconventional life of adventures.
Life is so complex and nuanced and I am reminded that we never stop learning, or growing, or evolving and there is a beauty in that. To think that all the lives I have lived so far was just the setup and that there is still so much more to uncover and to live. And despite my self made roadblocks at times.
And so I regret nothing. Because “regrets are a waste of time. They’re the past crippling the present” and I have my sights set on what I hope will be a pretty beautiful future.